april

It's that time of the month again...that time where I talk to YOU, reading this about ME, writing this... :hello:

Anyways! Gone with April, come in May, what do they say again? April showers bring May flowers? The weather's been getting nicer here, lately, so I hope that really does come true! April...uh, unlike all of the other entries, some stuff actually happened! First of which: the site index rehaul!

It's only been, like, maybe a few months since I launched the site, but the first index had felt like really messy and unorganized. Not that there's anything wrong with that - I LOVE messy, but I wanted my index to feel a little more...tied together, you know? Like, a color palette and all that, and for it to make sense...So I got to work on a new index! I needed to get working on something sooner or later, so this was a good way to round myself back into webmastering. Unsurprisingly, planning out the site on paper worked out well. This iteration of the site index was inspired by the early Animal Crossing Wild World site!

Outside of the site... a lot of other things happened this month!

1. The 3DS servers shut down and I got to experience playing Animal Crossing with friends and actually seeing the friends notification light up on my 3DS. Actually, it still does, from time to time, but playing made me feel really bittersweet and I had wished I got to experience this during its prime. But if I had, I might not have been able to experience this the way it was. Hm.
2. I designed a logo and a poster for my school's art showcase!!! It's nothing huge, but it made me really happy when people thought it was cool.
3. I've been a little bit on the internet more. It's probably - well, I KNOW it's not good for me, but it's waves more from forcing myself to be lonely. There's a difference between enjoying being alone and straight up forcing myself to isolate and I'm trying to help myself more. I've been trying to reach out more often, and inbetween my (presumed) PMDD I can't really tell if things are getting worse or better, but, hey, they're getting somewhere!
4. I read Oyasumi Punpun and Nick & Lever this month. Both are. Incredibly different. But I enjoyed reading them both.

This is the part of the monthly log where I get really depressed!

This is somewhat embarassing for me to even reflect on or acknowledge, but it's been a year since I rebranded from thou-who-shall-not-be-named to Telle. Normally, going by another username is as simple as editing your profile settings, but this has stuck with me for a while now and I'm not really sure WHY. Honestly, I can barely remember why I did it in the first place? The details are crazy foggy, but looking back on it now, I think I had started to feel like I was being watched 24/7 and it felt like I was putting up a ruse rather than being myself. And boy, I had REALLY started to hate that "myself" I had set up on the internet! I made myself look like a moron, that's what! But I really miss being a moron!!!!

Anyways, I pulled the plug and disappeared from most things for a good while. And that's where I think I screwed up, like, bad. I stopped talking to a lot of people and never came back. The problem is I still want to talk to them. I worry myself sick about people I haven't talked to in months/or at all. It's, uh, kind of, really bad. I've returned to the internet recently, but half the time I end up deactivating my account in a span of weeks or so...I can't really stick in one place for long.

I still keep in touch with a good chunk of friends now (thank god) and I'm very grateful for that, I love my friends, but I feel really guilty for wanting to talk with my old friends again too. Is that selfish of me? I don't think it's possible, even if I wanted to. Me and her and everyone else are different people now, and everyone only knows me for her...It's been weighing down on me and I don't know how to let go. I want to talk to everyone and feel like myself again.

TL;DR see above

Recently I've been listening to a lot of Kariki(Kairiki?)bear. Their PROJECT VOLTAGE collaboration song is really good. My all-time favourite songs of theirs is Alkali Underachiever and People Allergy. Plus, some Kero Kero Bonito too... I listened to their more lighter-hearted songs as a kid but their recent-er releases have been crazy good too. I freaking love Only Acting!!!

This month is scary. A friend reminded me that we have a month and a half left until we graduate and that terrifies me. I have prom this month, and...loud parties, dancing, bright lights, wearing dresses, make-up, and weird friendship drama all in one building?! Are you kidding me?! Sounds awful! But not going to prom is NOT happening for me, so I'm going!

To end off this entry, I'll link one last song I've been listening to like crazy. Back in a server I used to talk to a lot, users would send goodnight messages accompanied with a song...I don't know why they'd do that, but it was really cozy and really nice at the time. I've never read Homestuck, but this song is close to me because of that.

march

My, it's April already? :surprise: March flew by so quickly! All of the starting sentences for each entry are startlingly similar!

Honestly, I didn't feel like writing the entry for this month due to a lack of interest and lack of actual...er, well, anything happening during the month, plus a bunch of other crap, but the more I think about it, these are kind of letters to myself later so I know what happened then. And also so I can express this somewhere, because journaling results in an echo chamber, and keeping it to myself is no good either...Hmm...

Again, nothing really happened in March - or at least, anything I can remember! I don't take photos much and not enough happens these days for them to be memorable in any way...I didn't update the site as much as I could have, but to be honest, I've been losing quite a bit of steam! I'd still love to work on the site, but I've been itching to do an index revamp and rework a ton of the pages, but that sounds like a mighty pain...

This last week I've been listening to a lot of Kikuo. I've been a fan of his music since I was small (so like, 10), so listening to his music again brings me a lot of comfort. I've especially been listening to his works with Nagumo Shiraishi (which, weirdly, I can't find any articles on?) My favourite out of the five-ish songs that exist are Type N Man and Beast Paranoid as well as Chira LOVE Palette ~Nozoicha Dame! Na no! (Denpa music, save me!) Some of my favourite Kikuo songs in general are Astral Travel, Which Me (the Kikuohana albums are both great) and The Red Riding Hood's Wolf.

Now...April, I can't remember what happens then. I really do hope I can get some motivation to finish a cool project, or something, but to tell the truth, I've had two paintings for school backlogged for way, waaaay too long. I hate painting, and I can't stand looking at those two paintings anymore, but luckily I did some design work for some posters and my art teacher said he'd put that on my grade too, so there's that. Maybe I should write down what I want to achieve this month somewhere. I've always been a sucker for planning things, anyway.

feburary

The more I look at it, February is a weird name for a month. I don't even think I've been spelling it correctly. Feburary? Febuary? Febrerary??? I'm going to misspell the month the entire blog entry so if that makes you upset, I'm, uh, very, very sorry.

Since 2024 is a leap year, this will be the only time I get to blog on the 29th of February, unless this site manages to last until 2028! To be honest; this month I did close to nothing! I deleted my tumblr account and I've been avoiding most social medias while doing whatever and trying to figure out how to draw for myself again and have fun. The lack of a digital, online log of things is catastrophic for my memory because I no longer know what the heck I've been doing this month, but, to be fair, I probably would have forgotten either way. I've ALSO been playing a crap ton of Pony Town and getting back into a few things.

Lately, I've been getting into Touhou! I've always wanted to get into Touhou, but, not only would trying to play a bullet hell give me a terrible, terrible headache, but I'm also really, really bad at video games. I prefer drawing the ones that look cool because it kind of feels like I'm sitting down with them and getting to know them better...and, also reading fancomics my friend sends me. Right now, I like Patchouli a lot. One, her name's a plant (like me!). Two, she's purple. And three, she's tired. Her lazy ass intruiges me....

As for what I've been listening to: since the Splatoon DLC dropped recently and has been devastating on my poor brain (I am being dragged back into the Splatoon hole, please help) I have been listening to the Side Order OST on repeat.

I've been listening to a little bit of dnb lately too. Just putting on those various mixes on Youtube that people put together, haha.

I've been avoiding updating the site lately because I'm not great with being online, but I'd really like that to change someday! I want to have fun on the internet again, so maybe I'll work a ton more on the site next month. Update the site layout, add a crap ton more pages, yadda yadda.

March is...interesting, to me, mostly because I've been associating it with Nano's birthday for so long, but that section of my brain is unfortunately starting to die off. What the heck happens in March again anyway? Let's see what happens!

january

Wow, the first month of 2024 is done already! :surprise: I DEFINITELY did not do a whole lot this month; either that or my memory's truly failing me. This month, I think the most I did was watch and read some stuff, that stuff being Princess Jellyfish and Shimeji Simulation (which were both like, really really good go check em out :joy:) and drew a whole lot. Heck, the only reason I remember I read/watched those was because I drew something for it! Maybe it'd be worth drawing a crap ton of fanart for new medias I get into. It'd be good for my memory and gives me more incentive to draw more stuff :)

Ahem! To tell the truth, this month was honestly really bad mentally, hah. I won't lay it out in detail but TLDR mood swings and general emotional confusion. But keeping it to myself is bad and reaching out to people is hard so I'll leave it here...:love:

Sad talk (CW for brief mention of suicidal ideation)

This month was a wild rollercoaster ride with all of the ups and downs and none of the fun. Actually, I've never been on a rollercoaster...I'm bad with long car rides, you put me on there and I'll die!!!

Lately I've been dealing with what I think is either PMS or PMDD. The main distinguisher from the two is that with PMDD the mood swings and changes prior to your period are not only way worse but the like, main main thing is that you get, like, really suicidal prior. It's...honestly, kind of embarassing!

As much as it is bad, I can never reach out or talk to anyone about them because of how little they stay for! I have a really bad habit of isolating myself when I get upset, too, which means that at the peak of my moodswings I start getting really anxious about being on the internet and consider deleting all my social media accounts. Not good either, considering isolating the mentally ill girl will...probably make her worse? Being on the internet lately has been more paranoia-inducing rather than fun, which REALLY sucks because the other parts of me really loves to talk to people.
Forcing myself to be lonely isn't good, but forcing myself to talk to people when I don't think I'm in the right headspace is even worse!

It's even MORE confusing because I don't even know if I'm actually dealing with anything important. I haven't been diagnosed with anything, and every time I've brought anything up to my parents they tell me it's all in my head and that I'm worrying myself over nothing. Which, is, uh, probably true, but I don't think "nothing" leads me to all this lol...

Either way, for the time being, I'll be okay. Until next week...

Anyways, outside of all that, I find the music I've been listening to this month really, really funny because of how contrasting the two genres are. Classical and breakcore!

Recently, I've been listening to the ost of a game called "Magician's Quest: Mysterious Times". It's mostly known for its strong resemblance towards Animal Crossing, but if I'm gonna be honest some of the characters are actually much cuter than the ones in Animal Crossing...Seriously, look at them! Now- I've never actually played it (i asked my dad to add it to my R4 card back when I was like, 13, played for 30 minutes and then forgot) but I've made the wonderful discovery that a lot of the hourly tracks ingame are actually renditions of classical music!

School (night) is a rendition of Nocturne Op. 9 No. 2 by Chopin. Spring evening is the Waltz of the Flowers. And the beach theme at night is Clair de Lune. You can check out the rest of the game's OST at this playlist.

Not only do I love to listen to classical music, but I would die for the DS soundfont, so when I listened to this game's OST on a whim while playing Roblox I had to stop for a second to confirm what I was listening to. (Funny enough, earlier that day I was just thinking about how cool it would be to have like, cutesy versions of classical music or somthing i dunno lol)Thing is, when I booted up the game to play it because the music had piqued my interest, I had discovered that...the songs ingame were different..? :surprise: Maybe they couldn't get the rights to use the song there or something but it's real unfortunate!!!

Outside of classical, I've been listening to an artist by the name of Femtanyl lots too. May all the furry breakcore/loud/graaaaaah music makers be blessed with 1 million dollars and, uh, I dunno, a kiss on the head too...

I think that's all I have to cover for now. Feburary...now, I like Feburary because Valentines' Day means I can draw my favourites locked in a tender embrace, but outside of that I don't really have any strong expectations for next month. Like always, let's just hope that next month's better than this!

december

:surprise: I just realized that I marked the entry buttons with 22 instead of 23...boy, I'm out of it already!!!

Anyways - happy new year! Hope everyone's new years celebrations were fine and dandy and that everyone is feeling better than I am :sobs: I'm not upset about the fact that it's a new year, I'm more upset about how bland it felt! When I went to our cousins' house yesterday to celebrate, the channel streaming the New Years' countdown was late by a few minutes and we missed the actual "real" new years. That's enough New Years' talk...

2023 was...well, to be honest, I can't remember! The main few "striking" points of this year were that I rebranded - but not entirely, I'm still drawing the same stuff :P - and that I learned HTML and Blender. Outside of that, boy, I really don't think I did a lot! T_T

There's nothing in April because I rebranded around then!

On one hand, the variety of colors and styles between the months is nice to look at. On the other hand - I've been drawing the same god damn thing for three freaking years now!!! O_O I have to start drawing new things...which is how I'll tie in introducing my resolutions for 2024!

Plans for 2024!

1. Spend more time on drawings rather than speedrunning them in under a day!
2. Animate longer stuff!
3. Get the hell off the internet!
4. Uuuh...

That's, uh, that's all! Nothing else! It feels like "animate more" has been a resolution for a while now but this year I swear!

Now to talk about the actual site - it's changed a little from its November index! :love: A little cuter, a little more clutter, and uh, a lot more hotlinked stuff =_= As much as it would be nice to have a cute, decorated site, there's a sort of charm in a really plain site and I have yet to discover what the line between that is. Who knows, maybe I'll go back to the original index. But one thing's for sure - if I keep it on the winter index too long I'll get sick of it. I've stuck with "blue" as my main color for long enough, let me try something new!

This month, I've still stuck to listening to ambient. I've been listening to a lot of the Yume Nikki and Yume 2kki soundtracks and playing a little bit of it too. (I can't stomach playing it for too long, lest I get scared :surprise:) My favourite tracks to listen to are (copypasting from the Youtube title names, forgive me if the names are wrong) Rusty Urban Complex: Operator Cyborg, Snow Valley, Spacey Retreat, Lavender Waters, and the Yume Nikki save theme is lovely to listen to as well. Honestly, I tend to just put on those hour-long compilations of YN music and go with whatever plays.

november

:hello: First blog post! I want to try and keep a monthly log of what I've done each month, but also so I don't blog like crazy and blogging every day.

November was pretty okay! Naganohara November + school stuff kept me busy, but the fact that my birthday was also this month got me really depressed midway. :sad: The idea that I'm 17 now is kind of scary. I used to look in artist bios on twitter/instagram/the like, see that they were 17, and think, "wow, that's pretty close to 18. That must mean they're like, all grown and mature..." How crude!!! 13-year old me based off all her future ideas on fiction!

Anyways! New site, new me. I'm not sure what I wanted to go for in the new website, but I didn't want to go too hard on the layout...but I still wanted it to look nice. I think the way it is now is fine, but the way I coded it was...well, while a few months have passed, and I've learned more, the way I organized it was abysmal to say the least.

If I eventually want to change the layout of everything, I dunno how I'll do it...but whatever! I don't know how to explain it, but it just feels like there's a weird something that's missing from the site? It just feels strangely plain. Maybe if I add some cool fonts, a cursor, make some custom assets...No idea. Honestly, I'm not sure how 'professional' I want this site to be; I just want it to be a cool place to check in every now and then.

I'm especially fond of the bottom bar...I want to figure out how to implement autoplay music sometime using this music player.

This month, I've been listening to a lot of ambient-ish new-age related music. Not sure what the actual genre is called, but it's just really music to sleep to. Specifically, I've been listening to a lot of Hiroshi Yoshimura's works. AIR in resort and Wetland were the first two things that came to mind when I thought of examples to put here. I actually discovered these types of music from a youtube channel, but I checked, and it looks like it got taken down for copyright... :surprise:

I think that's all there is to cover for this month. Next month is December, which 1. means snow 2. means the new year: both of which I really hate! There's a lot of stuff I want to do, but knowing me, I'm really awful at sticking to things I start! Let's hope I don't get horribly depressed midway, and that next month is better despite it all!